My ex's new girlfriend is crazy. She's stalking my normal daily life journal. I find it amusing and a little scary. I mean, doesn't she have better things to do with her time than make it known she wants me dead? I'm a little flattered she spends so much time and energy hating me...lol. But, it also scares me a little. She's dating a man who hurt me over and over and over. I'd like him and all affiliations out of my life. But, she's got this incessive need to continue to attempt to create drama within my life. Well, not really because other than the occassional venting, she's never thought of and she's never been brought up with anyone around me in my life. She just irritates me online, so I bitch about her online.
Other than that, my life could not be better. A little financially off at times, but such is life. I pay a lot of money for my daughter's tuition.
Well, I've got chicken in the over and need to start some potatoes. Feels good to vent here. ;) My that damned bitch rot in hell, it would make many people's life a lot happier.

I would really like to become non-functional right now. I'd like to curl up into a little ball and cry. Two years hard work, dedication, and I might have to give it up because of fucking home insurance. But I cannot, I have to maintain and keep working, keep going. Kid is 4, keeps me busy. There is another child on the way, I really try not to feel negative feelings while carrying this child. Which leads to a whole other area of issues...the guilt I feel. I was in such a horrid relationship when preggos with the first kid. I was hurt, every day. Every day I cried. Every day I screamed. I know she went through hell, the first two years of her little life. At his hands, but I could have left. Ultimately it was my fault. Okay, gotta think of something else before I fall into tears once again.
I cannot afford this life. There is little to afford, but we're so at the end of our financial rope. I cannot afford higher home insurance. I want to get out of here, I want to move somewhere with room, with property. Why am I still here? I want to take my happy little family with me...and be free. But are we ever free?

He makes my head hurt. I can no longer do this. My current, what do I call him, J maybe? Well, anyway, J had been supervising L's visits with R. We had to call the police on him yesterday. He totally flipped out during his visit. I'm done, cannot do this. If he cannot act like an adult I cannot meet him half way, or even the 3/4 way I seem to always have to meet him. He's abusive and it will never stop. J will never harm me, ever, I trust this. It's been two years and I've received nothing but kindness, respect, unconditional love- for my child and I. He's turned my life right side up in the most amazing way. We're surrounded by our little farm...chickens, rabbits, dog, cats...life, everywhere you look. New life...baby chicks, a liter of baby rabbits, the new growth poking up from the ground. L cannot take away so much life, nor will I allow him to continue damaging it. Period. We're done being hurt by him, even if that means the biggest hurt of all, R loses her daddy. Sad, but she has J, no match for a daddy's girl but one day she'll understand why we had to do what we had to do, I pray.

It is wonderful. I have a no-contact order against L, as is known. I am finally following. I'm letting J, my SO, deal with all the arrangements. He's to violent with me, scary, in front of R. It's not right.
In other news, my SO J is going after full custody of his two little boys, age 6 and 2.5. The mother is a crazy alcoholic, making it a little insane. The things that come out of her mouth, the lies, the weird statements, she is loopy.
Other than that, life is good you could say. Always the underlining stress of going through the courts regarding children.
We slaughtered a fresh turkey in our backyard for thanksgiving.

I mentioned it once, said I would talk about it, but I never have.
The unthinkable.
It was June I believe, 2006. I picked up my child as usual from L's parents. L's dad pulled me aside to ask what happened to R. What? He pulled up her shirt and she was covered with little bruises. My heart broke, I cried the whole way home.
L was asleep as usual when I got home. He sleeps all the time, refuses to contribute. He works, that means he doesn't have to do anything else. Self-entitles ass hole.
I woke him, he yelled at me for waking him, how dare I. But, he knew that there was something serious going on. I asked him about R, about her bruises. He told me he didn't do anything, it wasn't him. Sadly, this wasn't the first time I had approached him about unusual bruises on her body. But, I put her in her pj's night before, he put her to sleep, I woke her up and sent her to his parents house. I knew, you cannot lie when you are caught like that. His excuses this time didn't line up, the reason's didn't make sense.
Finally he admitted to having abused his own flesh and blood, just a baby. He told me..
He pinches her before he puts her to sleep at night. It makes her get real upset, the more he hurts her the harder she cries and finally she crashes out. He has always put her to sleep, my little baby girl. It is the ONLY thing I have ever been able to get him to do with her, it allows for me to clean house. Were he to not be putting her down he'd be playing video games or sleeping, I'd finish then have to cleaning, so it made sense. But, he had been hurting my baby. My baby was being abused, I could have stopped it, abused for my own selfish need to have just a few more minutes to get the house work under control. A few minutes where I didn't have a baby slung to me or a very needy childlike SO bothering me, stopping me, not helping me. My selfishness caused my child to be hurt, over and over again, night after night. I though she just didn't want to go to sleep, she was crying in his arms so that was okay. I would never allow her to cry it out all alone, I believe that is wrong to do to a baby, but what I did was worse. I allowed someone to hurt her, actively abuse her. She wasn't even a year old, how can someone hurt a baby? I don't understand.

The hardest part, he denies it all. I bet if I were to tell people what happened he would tell them I am crazy and to not listen to me. I am not crazy and I documented all the evidence I need to prove he abused my baby.

But, I have a hard time talking about it. Even here it has taken me two years just to say anything regarding what happened. It makes me to sick to think about it. The worse mistake I have ever made as a mother was staying with R. And to admit that even after he abused her I was unable to leave him... I am a shitty person for having stayed.

I cannot deal with him anymore. I talked to L from work on Sunday, he watches R most Sundays. I asked if he could drop her off at my house after I got home from work, this is how it has always been done as he has a meeting right by my house at 8pm he probably wouldn't make it to were I to pick her up. He told me he wasn't going to drop her off. She does not transition out of that home well, she breaks down into a million little pieces the second she sees me and it typically doesn't stop until she is in bed, 3-4 hours. I contribute that behavior to the amount of TV watched over there and the environment is overall just not optimal for kids. But she is fine if dropped off, if pulled from that house by a parent within that home. Apparently me asking L if he could drop her off meant I was being a bitch, I was sticking him in the side and just trying to make his life more difficult. He could not handle it, he needed 'witnesses'. Witnesses to what? I have him over at his parents house watching her as his behavior is erratic, uncontrolled, abusive and needs monitoring. I do not trust that his 'state of mind' is one that allows him to care or think about human beings other than himself. And when there is a child he is responsible for that is just not acceptable, ever. Everything he does he flips around, denies then goes as far as to tell me that I'm actually the one doing what I am asking him not to do. He started repeating over and over whenever I went to defend myself 'just because you say it doesn't make it true, just because you say it doesn't make it true....'. He is crazy and that is scary. It is scary knowing I have to protect a life from him, a life he is tied to.

He hurt me everyday we were together, he hurt me and he hurt my child. I am angry, rightfully so. He denies doing everything that he did and blames it all on me. I spent 3 years fighting to form a decent family life with a man who spent the same three years shitting on that family. I am recovering but the feelings I am left with, though I know now they are typically of DV victims, are difficult to deal with. But, there is nothing that I am going through that someone else hasn't been through all ready, there are great people out there with the encouragement, support and advice I need.

Friendships, I was not allowed to have friends. Not really not allowed, but he got to a point where he was to embarrassing to be around with other people and other people didn't like him so avoided me as well. I never knew when he would go off or the severity. I remember once at Ellie and Randy's he got to drunk and passed out. I remember almost crying over the fact that I had to wake him, so mad he fell asleep leaving me in that situation. I don't know what is going to happen when I wake him, typically it is not a good situation though.
People like me again, I have friend, people want to come over to my home. They do not avoid me because of my boyfriend. Some I actually think come around just because of him.

I almost did something I might have spent the rest of my life regretting.
I have these lingering emotional connections with my ex. Abusive relationships leave you pretty affected, the abuser in the relationship has a new form of control that is terrifying. He started going after me sexually. At first I was putting off his advances. Finally I started playing into them and something amazing happened, he wasn't being an impossible ass hole dick to me anymore. So, for weeks I kept him right on edge. I never totally turned him down, just turned the timing and situations he would come up with down. It made me feel terrible, horrible, confused but dealing with him was easier than it had ever been. But, like most things it did start to get out of control. He started getting more demanding and then upset with me when things didn't go the way he planned, aka I didn't have sex with him. He started getting more physical with me, even in front of Lianna which I did not want her to see. But, things were pretty out of control, I was freaking out. We had a set, planned day and time that I did not think I could get out of. So, I told B, I told him everything. He knew, he knew but he didn't, his ex knew, she intercepted some communication between L and I. I cried, he cried, we hugged and talked through things. He was, as well as he should be, upset, nervous, untrusting. I accepted these things, I accept the way I know he will treat me for a while. Trust is something that has to be earned once lost, I think telling him my intentions and stopping myself shows good faith, but kind of takes away some of that trust. It never should have reached this point, I should have never allowed L's sexual advancements. He has become obsessed with my pussy, he thinks his life will be complete if he can go down on me one last time.

I talked with L, told him everything, that I cannot have sex with him and that B knows how close we got. I re-established my boundaries with him. He wasn't very respectful, he listens but I don't think he hears as he touched me and tried to kiss me, or might have kissed me, before he left (peck on check as I turn away).

But really, having a man who spent three years shitting on you, your child, your home and your life suddenly start being 1/2 decent was almost welcoming. He said nice things, he would get bad hard ons mid day and call just to make them even worse, just to hear my voice. Coming from someone who I once wore see through panties trying to get his attention and he told me to move, he still had 40 more laps on the video game. Plus, he talks so much shit constantly about the sex in his current relationship; he cannot get off without masturbating himself off ('tell me something to think about' or 'let me see your breasts so I have something to think about while having sex'), she screams like a banshee during and it makes him uncomfortable (kids in the house non the less, sick imo), she is loose, she is used, she has had sex with too many people, she smells weird and tastes terrible ('let me taste it', 'I just want to go down on you, I don't even want anything in return, I love the way you taste'), she just lays on her back, she is to fat, he boobs are always in the way, she isn't pretty, the faces she makes etc. The shit he talks about her and sex, almost makes me feel bad for her, almost. It makes me feel bad for him as sex is something I place a high importance on within relationships and if it is as bad as he is making it out to be....

It is flattering in a way that I do not need to be finding flattering. How do I keep such rigid boundaries with him? How do I not have this happen again? He was in my kitchen for some reason the other day, I pulled off my sweatshirt and he started with the damn, jeeze, uhhh, and other odd noises. I have issues, sexual issues, my ex knows a little about them, my SO is very aware of them. I think my ex might know enough to be using my own issues to manipulate me into having sex with him. I am in therapy which is what helped stop it to begin with, that coupled with my telling B. In my mind that could have been relationship suicide, why tell him if I haven't done anything? To stop myself, to stop what was happening, to make sure it didn't happen.

I have left L for good.

I am now with a wonderful man I referred to as B. We have been living together for about 5 months now. Things in my life have never been better. All the things in life I wanted to do but was unable due to the constant chaos of my relationship I have now been able to do. My daughter is just flourishing. As are the animals, myself, my home, my yard, my friendships. It seems as though all areas of life have finally come together.

L is still an issue. I just wish that things there would cease. He does not respect my boundaries, he still goes around telling lies about me. He tells everyone that I do not let him see his daughter. When in reality all I have said to him a handful of time is 'now is not a good time'. He just cannot come over and see her whenever he wants. He needs to respect my time, my plans and my life.
He is dating a woman from hell. She was over at my home with B's ex g/f quite a few months ago. She drove here so drunk she didn't know up from down, was so loud she woke my child, she talked shit about my best friend, cornered B in the backyard and gave him a sex offer, her 10 year old was calling her constantly (2am mind you) and finally she left, knowing I have a child in the home slammed the door. Someone (L says it was her) made him a myspace and it has been being used to harass me, I keep getting annonymous messages send through myspace and I can just imagine it is probably her. I dont' respond, I just tell L and let him do whatever he does. I tell him it has to stop, but is hasn't. Smile and move along dear is what I have to keep telling myself. I wont feed into any drama, I just roll my eye, B and I laugh about it and we move on...

Will update more later, but most goes into my primary journal as it isn't bad anymore. It isn't things I try to hide anymore. Life, for once, is getting better. ;)

I've always enjoyed pain, since I was a child. I remember allowing 'accidents' that could have been avoided to happen just so I could get hurt. I remember breaking my nose, knocking out my two front teeth, the skinned knees, sewing my fingers together for fun, breaking bones and finding it 'funny' as a child. So probably inevitably, I began intentionally harming myself, starting with hitting. That progressed into cutting about the time I was in 7th, 8th grade. Always on my hips, my parents would have killed me and all my friends would have lectured. I would take vials, fill them with blood and seal the top with wax. I also pierced, by the time I was 15 I had done both nipples, belly button and had about 16+ holes in my ears. I remember reading an article at my friends house in a Seventeen magazine in jr high about self-inflicted injuries, it was the first time I realized that other people did it as well. It was my main method of coping during my teenage years.
After high school I turned to drugs, I don't remember hurting myself during that time, but I was in a scary abusive relationship, that might have been providing me with the physical pain I've always been so fond of.
I was able to pull my life together after getting pregnant at 21. I found productive forms of pain that filled that need to hurt. Tattoo, piercings, rough sex, running until I think I'm going to die and hiking, my personal favorite, until your legs burn and you think they are going to give, but you can't stop, you've only just made it to the top. So I do, but I don't, understand why I've been regressing into old behaviors, old methods of coping. I know this has been a hard week, but this is the fifth time in the last two months.
I sat in my bathroom, new blade in hand and before I knew what I was doing it was against my skin and I had cut. Little to much hesitation, the skin wasn't folding back and the blood wasn't pouring, so I did it again, and again until six wide lines were dripping blood. Three showed the signs of my own hesitation, three you could see down deep. It is in that moment that the pain takes over, overpowering all other feelings. Even later as the physical pain begins to subside the emotional pain does not immediately come back, it is like a pain killer for emotional pain.
I contemplated pulling out my suture kit and stitching them up, but time is limited in my life so I bandaged then left the bathroom as though nothing more than my usual morning happenings took place. Over 24 hours later and the blood was still flowing as though they were fresh. I again took residence on my toilet seat, this time to stitch two of the deep slices back together, in hopes of stopping the bleeding.
I do it different now than I did as a teen. I remember slicing up my hips, but now, it's usually my legs as they are easy to hide but I don't need the careful carving self-restraint I used on my hips as a teen. I often find myself burning myself when I'm cooking, not on accident but with no intentional thought of hurting myself. I almost pushed a hot lighter into my skin the other day, but as I got close the burns on my arm began to hurt, as they so often do, years old reminders of pain that once was.

I had already spent over $100 on the kid, I got him season passes for the zoo. All I wanted to do was walk into the store on the way to the house and buy something tangable for him, something he can open, hold and play with. Not a concept of going to the zoo for free, that is cool but really, at 5 he wants something as well.
Action figures, though I have no problem with them what I do have a problem with is deciding while I'm running into the store last minute with the intentions of buying a board game that he needs a full collection. With the way you spend money, with how much debt you personally have driven this family into, we just cannot afford it. Plus, major plus here, he isn't going to care about them, he really wont like them. Who are we shopping for? You or the damned kid? Seriously.
So I state that, you get all pissed off at me, but we are in a hurry. I go to buy a card and wrapping paper for my board game, you are going off at me about those damned action figures. You are worse than taking a small child to the store, at least with a small child the tantrums they have when they don't get what they want are a little more understandable. You are an adult, why do I have to deal with your tantrums.
So, I leave, you follow me out of the store, while I am carrying your child, screaming at me, name calling, etc. I get into the car and ask if we can just go, you start screaming at me some more, name calling as usual. I hate you so much you bastard, I hate you so much for doing this over and over to your family.
You leave me in the car and leave. I have no idea where you are going, but again I have been abandoned by you and your behavior, alone, by myself in a bad situation with a child, up to me to get out of it. You put me here and I hate you for it. I put her on my shoulders and on that dark raining night walk the mile to a bus stop, as that is our only alternative. I call your sister to tell her we (R and I) will not be making it to M's 5th b-day party.
My arm is bruised and throbbing. I am starting to hurt myself again, I am starting to let those around me hurt

I say no....but he tells me I'm his girlfriend so I have to. Why does it hurt so badly?

I posted on May 2, 2007

http://my-own-sanity.livejournal.com/1943.html?mode=reply

Update. L plead guilty to assult 4 (DV) and property damage. He did 10 days work release, 1 year of DV treatment once a week, intensive outpatient drug treatment (IOP) which he started having to go 3 days a week and is now in phase 2 which is once a week. AA meetings 4 times a week. Probation meetings twice a month. He was already on probation for another case, almost off, close. But they revoked his SOC and sentenced him to 3 months work release. There was a slight problem and his intake day was delayed. We expecting him to go in on next Tuesday, the 25th.

During the beginning of the treatment and court dates, oh and we had a no contact order we haven't been following but that's added stress, things were hard. He wasn't there much before mentally, but now I lost his physical presence. I stopped this journal as soon as I started things with my brother-in-law. I think I fell in love. Still not sure. He listens to me, I feel as though he cares about me, he shows genuine concern and he makes me happy. He is great with my child. I smile when I am with him. Only problem is he does have lots of baggage. So I'm not ready for a committed relationship with him. He needs to be independant and single and I need to figure out if I want to make things work between L and I after he gets out. I get to see how I like being a single mom for that time.

But in regards to other man, will call him B, I know the fine line between love and lust and I'm not sure which side i'm on. It's been four months, no plans to hurry things along..

Other than that just being my same insane self.

Wow...it really has been too long. Should I start this back up maybe. I think I need to.
I have been having an affair with a wonderfully dangerous man for 4 months now.
My boyfriend is going to jail next Friday for the assult 4 DV charge from the night I finally called the cops. He is doing 3 months, 2 good time, it's work release. I don't know if I am going to leave him or not. I don't know if this other man is the right man for me. I know I am going to give him an chance, to see how he fits in with my day to day life. And then I am going to go from there.

I swear to god that I will leave, I will walk away from everyone and re-find myself if things don't work out with him. I'll focus on repairing myself and my daughter. I am so worried about her, she has seen so much in her little life. I think what scared me the most is that I do not want R to ever end up with someone like L, it would kill me. If I stay she is going to think that this kind of relationship is normal. Or she will internalize it and blame herself, more likely since L often screams at her when he is busy screaming at me and she just wants her mom. He treats her like a burden, as if she is the problem in our relationship. I hate that, I love my little princess, sweeter and sweeter each passing day, each passing moment.

Jeeze...

Life is making my head spin just a little.

He found out...I'm supposed to do something amazing, it will be an experience and an accomplishment, something I have never done before, something that will require every bit of my focused determination. The more I hurt, the more I'm able to hurt myself, and it will hurt. But he found out who I was going with, who would be there as well. But things have been different in my head, I just don't care anymore. He told me he was going to sleep with S to 'get back at me', I laughed at him. Does he really think I care anymore? Does he really thinking hitting some dirty slut is going to 'get back at me'. HE HAS BEEN ABUSING ME FOR THREE YEARS, HE CANNOT HURT ME ANYMORE THAN HE ALREADY HAS.
I am still going, he cannot stop me. He make me take the other car, I could care less. The only fear is R, I am leaving her for the next 24 hours with him and that is terrifying. But, sometimes even I need a break, from the abuse and from my dearest of dearies.

We used our bikes for the first time. Went down the road a few miles, hit up a popular trail. He was being an idiot on a bike, running myself and almost others off the trail. I'm not as fit, I'm working on my breathing and the fact I've got 25 lbs on the back, little miss R. He almost runs me off the trail again, I speak these words...'get on the trail and ride like a normal person'. Maybe a little abrasive, but I'm exhausted but still pushing myself further, I have no breath to waste. And here I am, making excuses, blaming myself. No, I did nothing wrong, I said nothing wrong. And it starts, the spiraling out of control. He starts with names, the belittling, the generalizations, how terrible I am, how bad of a person I am, he cannot believe I would say such a thing. No respect, no love, I must hate him, yeah, that's it, I hate him. And he goes, and goes, it doesn't stop. Please god, I want to know how to make it stop? What makes him snap like that. I pull over, I apologize, he keeps screaming, we're near a baseball field, a game is taking place, I beg him to stop, to finish late, to just keep going. I tell him I'll do, I'll say whatever he wants, I'm desperate.
He wont, I have no choice, I ride away, fast. He easily catches up, grabs hold of me almost knocking me and child over. Still screaming, obscenities, finally I get him to calm. He tells me that I have ruined everything, nothing new, I'm used to being told that. He tells me what I have to do, I have to go to the park and then go to lunch with him. We go to the park, he starts in on me, swearing, in front of all these kids, parents. I tell him I'm leaving, not being the victim of his bad behavior in public. He follows me, stops me, doesn't let me leave, not allowed to move. His face is two inches from mine, spit flying he begins to repeat the same over and over 'hit me, hit me you bitch so you can go to jail, hit me, come on', I last about 5 minutes, he wont let me go until I do, I do. I hate myself for it, but, I was scared, cornered, no way out. He turns and rides the other direction, I take off towards a bus stop like a bat out of hell.
He eventually find me, he's trying to grab me, trying to do something but I don't want him to touch me, not now. He freaks out again, we're waiting at a bus stop. He knows he typically has about 10 minutes to attack me like this before cops show up. He books off, 5 minutes later there is a cop. Next bus is in a hour, they get there at the same time, I load my bike and tell her I have to get home, sorry. She gave me her card and probably well over my 100th DV pamphlet I've received. All the numbers, I've called before, I've reached out before, only to be forced back into my misery. I finally get home, he's beat me, taken the car, out getting drunk. I only pray that he comes home and passes out.
I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to hurt. I need out, I need some peace, some kind of sanity in this life. I need help.

I had sex with my brother-in-law.
I liked it.
And then I did it again.

I kinda fucked up real bad over the weekend. Scared, stupid, knew it was going to happen and loved every minute of it. We both have so much to lose, can't let this destroy anything, more so for myself.

I'm cold, alone, I'm just a person on my own. Nothing means a thing to me, no nothing means a thing to me....

Something in my head snapped. I didn't know. And now....now?? I don't even fucking know. I'm ready to laugh hysterically and cry, one or the other. I'm either very happy, or not at all. All at the same time.

Something bad happened, my help was needed, we were almost alone together, no other adults. He looked at me, his eyes connected with mine, we held that eye contact, longer than two people should. For the first time in a long time I looked into someone eyes and saw something that wasn't hate. I don't know what it was, but something there has a hold on me. I'm scared, I do not trust myself, I do not trust what I am going to do. I know what I should do, but fuck it, I've been doing what I need to do, what I should do and look where it's gotten me. Maybe for once I just need to take a risk, do something crazy and stupid, something selfish. But, the pain that I could cause to other has the potential of being great. Why him? I have a list I could pull out at any moment and make some people very happy. I have the guy I wanted to lose my virginity to in 7th grade, but then the cops showed up where we were, who is back in my life. He's a firefighter and a cage fighter now, he asked me out on a date and send me some very suggestive e-mails, I want to, but not the same way. Or M, M been after me since he met me in 10th grade, most he's seen is my boobs, but then who hasn't? I know for sure at least 10,000 people have seen them...lol. Good old crazy youth and concerts...nakedness and large screens over the band...my breasts, you get the picture. I want someone to touch me who isn't going to hurt me, I want someone to hold me who can take away my pain, not cause it. And I think I found that man, by default. I am going to sit on my hands and pray I don't do anything. But my life, my mind, my relationship is all a mess I don't know how sane I am anymore. I just don't want to hurt and I don't trust how desperate I am to not anymore.

It started when I started developing, about the time I hit puberty, it was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. I remember the first time he said anything, he told me that I looked ugly with make-up (exact words). I though I looked okay, better than without since I had normal teenage acne I wanted to cover. Next it was how I dressed, it's to reveiling (basic bathing suit), it doesn't fit you right, it doesn't look good on you. And then the hair curled (funny, I know, we all did it, straight, frizzy and ended with curls). He would get mad when I put products in it to control it, he would tell me it looks wet, or crunchy, or to flat. I look prettier with it frizzed out to the sides. Eating, food, that became a huge issue, just about everything I liked he would say isn't good for me, it will make me fat or breakout (I was NOT a big kid, very opposite, tiny) and stop buying it. Very quickly I stopped eating. Then the micro management of how I did things....you're not doing it right, do it this way. I remember when I finally had enough of that, I did it my way, it was how I was drying a dog. He yelled at me, called me a bitch and an ass and got even more made when I started to cry. Then he found out I was wearing thongs, he was so mad that I had turned into a slut. (Didn't get off that one until the youngest of us three girls also owned some thongs). He was on the slut kick for a while, I was a virgin until I was 17 by the way. I grew up trying to be perfect so there was nothing he could say. I think this obsessive need of perfection will ruin my life and myself if I don't do something. I need to get away from his judgementalness, I would like for him not to be a part of my life. He is the black cloud over my life.
My sisters were not treated this way. He loved them. He took them on camping trips, he did things with them. He didn't berate or belittle them. They love him and have a healthy relationship with him. Why me? Why was I the one singled out?
And this has ruined what could have been a wonderful relationship with my mother, but I tell her one thing and she tells him, then I have to deal with him knowing more about me, more things for him to pick apart in my life. So I stopped tell her things long ago. I would like to completely break away from them sometimes, move to another state and start over new and happy. But would that even solve my problems? Maybe. I don't know.
My daughter does not spend time with him, he is not a person I want around her. We parent to differently and the lack of respect he has towards my is very evident when it comes to parenting. There are things that I would never do to my child that he insists would be for her good (letting her cry herself to sleep specifically). He got mad at me once because he came over to pick sometime of theirs up I had, he got mad because she didn't have a diaper on. Who cares, she enjoys running around sans diaper and I let her every day from about 9am-11am. He doesn't understand that I know her well enough to know she isn't going to pee, and if she does, well, good thing we have hardwood floors.
I quit showing dogs when he began to get involved, before that I loved it, it was something we did as a family. Then he started helping out and I stopped the next year. I gave up my passion because of him, I couldn't do it with him constantly on me.
And I wonder why I've spent most my life forming sexual relationships with older men. How do I relate to an older man? I don't. I can't. I am uncomfortable around them. Unless it's sex because I am so comfortable with my abilities in that area, and it pleases them, I want older men to be pleased by me. I strive to find in strangers what my own father could not provide me. I fill that space, that need to have a father the only way I know how. Married men with children always seem to be the ones I sleep with, they are the ones that make me feel the most complete and satisfied afterwards. It's been a few years and I'm sinking into that silly depression regarding my father. This is usually the time I would find my replacement, find that 'daddy' to be my 'daddy'. But I am trying not to, I need to work through my issues. I need to see someone.
Okay, end of that rant. It helps me a little to verbalize and work through some of these feelings. I think today I am going to find someone to see and make an appointment. That is my goal for the day.

I just want that one person who I can go to when I'm in tears. Someone who I can talk to when this shit happens. I don't want to drive aimlessly in tears, I want a destination. I want someone whose arms I can fall into and let these tears fall. I don't want to try to keep them in anymore, or only cry them to myself. I want someone who is warm and loving, motherly maybe, someone who I know cares about me deeply and is able to see past my problems and still see me when it's all over. Someone who wont judge me for staying, who wont judge me if I were to leave. Someone who cares just about me.
He got mad. We are trying to find bikes. He acts like an entitled 17 year old asshole, you know the ones in high school whose mommy and daddys bought them that new BMW. Yeah, we'll that Aaron without ever having had that experience. He want bikes with shockes, no matter that the only ones I have found retail for $150 and will probably brake the first time he uses it. Here I am trying to look at good cheap used bikes on craigslist. I'm finding good bikes that retail for $5-700 and are being resold after some use for $2-300. But none of them have shockes. He can be so stupid sometimes. I tell him I can't find what he's looking for, he hears something completely different and starts going off at me. I react and get upset and the next thing I know he's screaming at me to stop freaking out and just chill. Well, the hitting ususally comes quickly after those words, as does my physical response to them, the shaking, feeling like I'm about to vomit, the actually loss of most emotional control. I become a stupid scared little girl. I hate it. I should be able to hold me head high and tell him to fuck off and walk away.
I have locked myself in the room. Actually, the TV stand is blocking the door. He just came and appologized. I'm never very receptive to them. He told me he thought about it and I am right. But that isn't what I want, I want this not to have happened. I wanted to have two days in a row in which we spent together and I didn't cry. I can't ever tell you the last time that happened. I dread the weekends we are home together and am thankful that it only happens every other weekend. I make sure of that by working everyother weekend, not because I have to, but by choice.
I am about to go unlock myself from the room and maybe try to let my guard down a little. I just wish he could use some of the brain cells that I know are up there. Why is he like this? What does he act entitled? Why does he think he should be able to do anything he wants regardless of the consequences? Why does he think he should be able to buy anything he wants when he wants? I am the only fully responsible person in this home and it can wear me down at times.

Edited in: It's going to be a good day. We some how turned it around. I left for a little bit and he sat in the garage playing with his air soft gun. We calmed, we were even able to peacefully talk about the air soft gun and the kid. If it is seen, thought about, heard in any way in front of said child until the age of 5, when it is then used as a teaching device for gun safety, it immediatly gets put up in a hiding spot for a month. He agreed, knowing how important this is to me, and to him as well. And then we loaded the dishwasher together. And now my sister is coming over well kid naps and we're going to the fabric store and pawn shops to look for a bike. We're cheap, craigslist is being worthless and we're not driving 100 miles to look at one.